October, 20, 2011. All things... Bummer >:[

So, this week has been rather down, if that's even a good enough word for it. Nothing has gone my way at all, it all went to SHIT.. I mean HELL! I mean, excuse my language, it was HORRIBLE! Let's track back, and start from the beginning, shall we?

Saturday October 15: Home Volleyball game. Alright so obviously, I had a volleyball game... Well two actually. We won our very first game, you think that would make me happy right? Completely wrong, we did so well on the first game and we played our hearts out.. and then came the second game. I'm not sure at all what happened to us, but we completely bomber that game and lost. There was no heart or effort put into the game whatsoever. On the upside, my mom and sister came to support me in the game. It felt so amazing to have them there cheering me on. I think that's why I did so great, individually that is.

Sunday October 16:  This was just a completely lazy day. Although my brother did stay the night before, so it wasn't too bad spending time with him. I love him very much and I'm glad he decided to stay with me. Alright, so this is EXACTLY how my day went. Stayed up until 4 watching Netflix with Austin; went to sleep; slept in until like three in the afternoon; woke up; cooked dinner; ate and watched more tv. Yeah, that's it. Pretty lame, right?

Monday October 17: Compared to the rest of the week, this was actually a great day. I did my very first ever photoshoot! Granted I know nothing about modeling, my pictures came out very beautifully, although next time I should keep the mental note of smiling in my head. That's practically all I did that day, it lasted a few hours, and took up most of the day, but I loved it. I think I want to be a model, professionally I mean. If I can get into it.

Tuesday October 18: This day was so boring that I can't even remember what I did, to be completely honest with you. No volleyball practice though, so that kind of made the day a smidgen better. OH! And Austin spent the night again, so that was pretty great. I was also supposed to get my rib tattoo finished/worked on, but that didn't happen.

Wednesday October 19: So, back to volleyball today. It was still a very boring day, up until volleyball. I had a very good practice and worked off some of my stress and frustrations. After practice, I had a good two hours of work put into my tattoo, but still didn't get all that much done. We got some more hading into it, and colored in some leaves. Looks substantially better than it did before, but there is still a lot of work to go. After the tattoo work, I went home, ate soup and passed out. That was an uneventful day for the most part.

Thursday October 20:  So, now we have today. Got up pretty early, for me anyway. Then I sat around the house, and watched Law and Order: SVU. So that makes everything a little bit better, that's the best show everrrrrrr, in the history of the world.. strike that, in the UNIVERSE! So, then I had practice, and that was horrendous. I pulled a muscle in my leg, AND I got the worst floor burn I've ever had in my entire life. It all hurts so bad, and then you throw the tattoo pain on top of that, pretty awful. Plus Austin is still with me, and that's the best part of the week.

So, there's my whole week summed up into and few paragraphs. I'm lame, I know, but I go through life that way and I accept it. That's all for now. I'll update either tomorrow or Saturday after my VERY LAST home volleyball game. (:




                                  SUPPORT BREAST CANCER FOR OCTOBER!
                                  IT'S BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!

First iPhone post!

Just downloaded the Blogger app for my phone! I know I haven't blogged in forever, but I'm going to start now. Alright, so in my life I've started college, quit my job at Wal-Mart, and joined the volleyball team at my school.

Alright, up first is school. I have lots of classes and they're mostly boring, bit I deal with it. It's helping my future, right?

So, volleyball! I love it! It's fun to play and I'm actually decent at it, even though we haven't won any games yet, we are working on it. I was terrible at first but I've been working hard at it an I'd say I've gotten fairly good at it. I love trying new sports and I'm so glad I tried this because it's pretty amazing. I'll never give it up now.

And of course, Wal-Mart. I had to quit because they wouldn't work around my classes at the college. I miss it a whole lot but there's really nothing I can do about it now. Just have to deal, and move on to the next thing.


So there's a few things. I'll update again tomorrow!

RESPONSE TO ( My moms blog): What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger!!

Wow, way to make me look like the most terrible person ever. You know I love you and I'm here for you, but you never say you want me there. So what's the point? No one talks to me at home anymore unless I text them first, y'all just make me feel like I'm a piece of crap because I'm trying to get my life together, and actually do something. I'm going to college so I can get a real job so you never have to work again. I want to take care of you because that's what you deserve. And I had to get a job because I need to take care of myself, you can't do it in your condition and shouldn't have to because of how old I am. And if I had to count on Red, I would die because he wouldn't even wash my clothes, much less buy me food and other necessities.

I'm sorry I'm not home, I would be if anyone needed, or WANTED me there. But that just isn't how it is.
I love you, and you know that. I'm sorry I don't show it enough.

I'm the most terrible daughter ever.

So, obviously everyone knows my mom had to have her breast cancer surgery. She made it through fine, though she came out in pain and depressed. I haven't been home practically at all since then. I've gotten a new job, since I have to pretty much take care of myself now, and I started college. I have asked my mom if she needed or wanted me to come home numerous times, and she always says no, that she will be fine. Even though I know she is lying. All I want is for her to know that I love her and that I'm here if she needs me, but she doesn't see it tat way. She never asks to see me, or WANTS me to be there, but I guess it's okay, because none of them do. Everyone acts like Adrianna, my step-sister, is the golden child and is so perfect because she helps out. It's not like she has anything else to do honestly, and she has no where to go. She does nothing but stays up all night and sleeps all day, and I would still be doing that too if I didn't have school and work now. She needs to do something with herself since she dropped out of school. She could get a job, or at least her GED, but she has made no attempt at doing either. But whatever, she's perfect right?

I wish that someone in that house told me they wanted me there, or that they miss me, but guess what? NO ONE EVER DOES. They don't even talk to me unless I text them first, then they have practically nothing to say. I feel like no one in  the family loves me anymore. I don't over there because I don't really have the gas to, and when I come over, everyone just looks at me like I'm  an alien or something. I feel like an outcast in my own family. How would you feel if no one in your family ever wanted to talk to you? It would hurt your feelings use I know it hurts me. I have my feelings hurt everyday. I know that my mom is the one who had surgery and needs to be comforted, but now I get absolutely no love. No one asks me how my day went, or how was school or my new job. They just pretend I'm not there until I text them, and they have to reply. Then I get little short answers that don't even matter. They never tell me what's going on anymore. They went to the movies on Friday (Red, Mama, Adrianna, and Tatiana) and the way I found out was because I ended up going there with a friend and just happened to see them... NO, of course they didn't invite me along, it's because I'm invisible, no longer a part of the family.


I'm done with this blog, what's the point anymore? No one cares about my life. Bye.

May 25, 2011...1:04 AM. Day of surgery...

Today is the day... you know the one. Yeah, my moms surgery. She is having a Bilateral Mastectomy to have breast cancer removed. It feels like it will be a terrible day, and all I can do is pray and hope it will go smoothly. So pray with me please?

On to better news..Friday I got a call from Wal-Mart for a job interview.The interview was Monday and it went very well. I'm hoping to hear back from them soon because I really want the job. I need it now more than ever, it would be a total blessing.

What else? OH! I'm planning to get two "new" tattoos. I'm getting two of mine covered with new, better ones since mine are very disappointing...

YEP, there they are :D
Opinions are welcomed.

<RIB CAGE
                                RIGHT ARM>













Thats pretty much all I've got for right now.
See ya (:

May 21, 2011.. 1:31AM- Dear Mom...

Dear Mom,
I know that I can be mean to you and cause a lot of drama in our house, but it's only because I feel unloved at times, and lashing out at anyone around me is the only way to deal. I know I don't tell you I love you every single day, but I'm going to change that. You're as invincible now as when I was little and I knew you would never die. Yes, you're sick. Yes, you're scared. It's because you have breast cancer, but I KNOW that you will make it through this. Cancer is nothing compared to you, and I know you will beat this.

I can be a terrible person, but there is no way in the world the God could take you from this earth. He knows how much you mean to everyone you meet. You're my entire world, and I don't even think you realize that sometimes, but that's my fault because I don't act like it. I wish I could win the lottery or instantly be through college and have a great job so I can give you everything you could ever want and need, but I just can't. I would give you the world if I could, I'd give you my kidney, my heart, even my breasts if I knew it would make you happy. I would die for you in an instant just so I would know you would never have to be in pain. Tatiana will always remember what you look like; Stalle and Libby knw that you are teir true mother; Austin will know how to treat a woman; and I will tell you I love you ever single day so you can whisper "I love you mor" back, because you are not going anywhere, ever. I won't let it happen.

From now on, I am going to do everything I can to make you happy. All that matters is your happiness. You're the absolute greatest mother that the five of us could ever ask for. I feel bad that other kids don't get to experience what we hae, but I wouldn't share with them because you're ours, and no one elses. I'd never be able to give you up. I apologize for the way I act pretty much all the time towards you an everyone else on the house, I don't mean to be a total B&*#% but it's in my nature. It doesn't mean that I love you any less.It's just because I'm too much of a coward to say what I'm really feeling. You really are an amazing, strong, and courageous woman. No matter what anyone says says to contradict that. You should hear that every single day of your life, but you don't and that needs to change. I want to be at least half the woman you are when I am grown and have children of my own. I want my kids to love me, the way that I love you. I know you've had to sacrifice a lot in your life for all of us, and it probaly wasn't anywhere near rewarding for you, but we all really do appreciate everything that you do for us. I know how much you love us, and what you would do for all of us, but now is the time that we are supposed to be there for you, and obviously we are lacking on that.

I love you more than life itself, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove it to you.

THINGS WILL GET BETTER, I PROMISE

May 20th, 2011- Richmond, VA

So, yeah. My bad days have just gotten a break. I rode up to Richmond, VA to stay the weekend with my dad. Just to get away from my worries... for a few days anyway. So, it's great so far, spending time with my brother, dad, and grandparents. And tomorrow, I'm going to Kings Dominion (an amusement park) for the first time ever. I'm rather excited about it, and pretty hyped to go. I do miss my mom though. We had a huge fight, and then a heart-to-heart conversation, and I've only been gone a few hours, but leaving was actually harder than I thought that it would be. Oh oh, guesss what? There's a gym in the hotel we are staying, which means I'll be up extra early for a morning work-out, which is very much needed since I feel fat. Also, there is a huge group of people in the room next to me and all they feel like doing is partying, and I would say that it's rather obnoxious and irritating, not much sleep for me tonight. Anywho, I'll keep you updated, getting off for now.

May 17, 2011 - Depression, and other things...

I know it's been a few days, I'm not good at keeping up with this. But anyway, I've had a bad day already. It's one of those days when you don't want to wake up. Everything goes wrong for you and just puts you into a rut that you don't even want to dig yourself out of. You know what I'm talking about?
When you wish you'd get hit by a car while checking the mail, or randomly fall off the roof and break your neck... that's how I'm feeling today. All I can think of is my mom (whose surgery is next week), my uncles Joey and Jesse(who dies a little over two years ago), and how I pretty much have no friends. Those things will put a damper into your day. Sorry I'm ranting, and it isn't about important things like the economy, Osama Bin Laden, or health care.. This is supposed to be about me mostly. One of these days I will most likely go on a rant about abortion and Obama all at once, because I'm 100% against them both. Alright, back to how I feel, have any of you gotten into this mood? If so, HELP ME! I hate feeling sad like I do. This isn't the sad that I am every single day, this is worse, by far, and I don't like it. I'm stressed to the max about so many things. The day after my moms' surgery, I have my registration for college classes, that's huge right? Well, I don't even want to do it anymore because I wanted to experience that with her, and she is going to be in a hospital bed... and the thought of that is just overbearing to me. I'm scared about the complications you always here about with surgery. I can't even stand the thought of something going wrong. You're parents are supposed to be invincible and never get hurt, at least that's what I thought growing up, but it doesn't happen like that and it scares the shit out of me. I know I have this goofy exterior and I'm always smiling and playing around(if you know me, you'd understand), but really, I'm like a kid who just broke their ice cream cone, or something to that effect. I'm slowly breaking down on the inside, and no one sees it... but it doesn't matter because I have no one to talk to about my problems so I keep them bottled up, and they just keep building and getting worse. Anyway, hope you had a good day, at least until you read this aweful post. I can tell you it's probably a lot easier to really be happy than to pretend. If you're feeling sad, talk to someone about how you're feeling, it could help.

I think I'm done for now.. I don't have anything else to really.

May 14, 2011

Alright so I just woke up... and yes it's 1:22 pm. I'm a sleepy head, I know. But anyway, I slept pretty good and I'm still in overdrive from my great day yesterday, but now it's a new day and I have to work my way from here. I AM going to attempt to keep up this blogging thing, and some days it could be amazing and others, well, not-so-much. We will just have to see how it goes.

So, let's see, what's on the agenda for today... Oh, that's right, nothing! Aha totally kidding, I am spending a little time with my dad and brother and we are all going to pick out his new laptop as a birthday gift (Which was May 4th, we're a little late).


Have to go for now, I'll come back tonight and add information so you'll know all the awesome (probably not) stuff that's happened.

Friday, May 13, 2011-- Graduation Day

And hello to you. I'm Sapphire, obviously. Just randomly starting a new one of these (lost my old info). So a few things about me; I'm 19, a college student, and I have a huge family: All of which you will hear about here shortly. Alright, so first off, the two most important things in my life right now; COLLEGE and MY MOM. First, college, for the obvious reason of furthering my education so that I can have a good career. And second, my mom. She is very influential in my life, as all moms should be, but she also is fighting Breast Cancer right now... that's a big hit, right? Trust me, I know! I have to deal with it everyday, and it's a lot harder than you would think. I try to be strong for her, but I really cry for her almost every single day. It's easier to hide than I thought it would be, and I try to let no one see the sensitivity behind my rough exterior. I know she will make it through but it's hard sometimes to keep all the scary thoughts from entering my mind..

But any who, on to happier thoughts. I graduated from my GED class today, along with my brother, and it was an amazing feeling. I was so happy to finally finish something important, and my family being there just made it better. I actually finished the class last July, in 2010, but today was me and every other graduate actually walking across the stage. It was pretty excited, and I was so nervous. Although I was a little upset because my mom wasn't able to make it because she had to go on a school beach trip with my six year-old sister. Other than that, I had plenty of supporters behind me. I love my family very much, and I'm glad there were there with me. Annnnd, I got a brand new Dell laptop as my graduation preset, pretty snazzy right? Yeah, I'm excited about it too. I will be frequently blogging, and playing computer games I'm sure, because I'm most definitely a nerd, and I loveeee games. I also love to read, and draw. There's a few small facts about me for you to know starting out.. you'll find out more soon enough, just bare with me and have patience.

Just to warn you, sometimes my blogs with be all jumbled, confusing, and make absolutely no sense. I think it's because I might just have Dyslexia or Attention Deficit Disorder or something to that nature, so it will happen very often and you'll just have to decipher through it all, aha.

Well, here's to my first blog. *Applause for me* Thanks for reading...whoever you are.