May 25, 2011...1:04 AM. Day of surgery...

Today is the day... you know the one. Yeah, my moms surgery. She is having a Bilateral Mastectomy to have breast cancer removed. It feels like it will be a terrible day, and all I can do is pray and hope it will go smoothly. So pray with me please?

On to better news..Friday I got a call from Wal-Mart for a job interview.The interview was Monday and it went very well. I'm hoping to hear back from them soon because I really want the job. I need it now more than ever, it would be a total blessing.

What else? OH! I'm planning to get two "new" tattoos. I'm getting two of mine covered with new, better ones since mine are very disappointing...

YEP, there they are :D
Opinions are welcomed.

<RIB CAGE
                                RIGHT ARM>













Thats pretty much all I've got for right now.
See ya (:

May 21, 2011.. 1:31AM- Dear Mom...

Dear Mom,
I know that I can be mean to you and cause a lot of drama in our house, but it's only because I feel unloved at times, and lashing out at anyone around me is the only way to deal. I know I don't tell you I love you every single day, but I'm going to change that. You're as invincible now as when I was little and I knew you would never die. Yes, you're sick. Yes, you're scared. It's because you have breast cancer, but I KNOW that you will make it through this. Cancer is nothing compared to you, and I know you will beat this.

I can be a terrible person, but there is no way in the world the God could take you from this earth. He knows how much you mean to everyone you meet. You're my entire world, and I don't even think you realize that sometimes, but that's my fault because I don't act like it. I wish I could win the lottery or instantly be through college and have a great job so I can give you everything you could ever want and need, but I just can't. I would give you the world if I could, I'd give you my kidney, my heart, even my breasts if I knew it would make you happy. I would die for you in an instant just so I would know you would never have to be in pain. Tatiana will always remember what you look like; Stalle and Libby knw that you are teir true mother; Austin will know how to treat a woman; and I will tell you I love you ever single day so you can whisper "I love you mor" back, because you are not going anywhere, ever. I won't let it happen.

From now on, I am going to do everything I can to make you happy. All that matters is your happiness. You're the absolute greatest mother that the five of us could ever ask for. I feel bad that other kids don't get to experience what we hae, but I wouldn't share with them because you're ours, and no one elses. I'd never be able to give you up. I apologize for the way I act pretty much all the time towards you an everyone else on the house, I don't mean to be a total B&*#% but it's in my nature. It doesn't mean that I love you any less.It's just because I'm too much of a coward to say what I'm really feeling. You really are an amazing, strong, and courageous woman. No matter what anyone says says to contradict that. You should hear that every single day of your life, but you don't and that needs to change. I want to be at least half the woman you are when I am grown and have children of my own. I want my kids to love me, the way that I love you. I know you've had to sacrifice a lot in your life for all of us, and it probaly wasn't anywhere near rewarding for you, but we all really do appreciate everything that you do for us. I know how much you love us, and what you would do for all of us, but now is the time that we are supposed to be there for you, and obviously we are lacking on that.

I love you more than life itself, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove it to you.

THINGS WILL GET BETTER, I PROMISE

May 20th, 2011- Richmond, VA

So, yeah. My bad days have just gotten a break. I rode up to Richmond, VA to stay the weekend with my dad. Just to get away from my worries... for a few days anyway. So, it's great so far, spending time with my brother, dad, and grandparents. And tomorrow, I'm going to Kings Dominion (an amusement park) for the first time ever. I'm rather excited about it, and pretty hyped to go. I do miss my mom though. We had a huge fight, and then a heart-to-heart conversation, and I've only been gone a few hours, but leaving was actually harder than I thought that it would be. Oh oh, guesss what? There's a gym in the hotel we are staying, which means I'll be up extra early for a morning work-out, which is very much needed since I feel fat. Also, there is a huge group of people in the room next to me and all they feel like doing is partying, and I would say that it's rather obnoxious and irritating, not much sleep for me tonight. Anywho, I'll keep you updated, getting off for now.

May 17, 2011 - Depression, and other things...

I know it's been a few days, I'm not good at keeping up with this. But anyway, I've had a bad day already. It's one of those days when you don't want to wake up. Everything goes wrong for you and just puts you into a rut that you don't even want to dig yourself out of. You know what I'm talking about?
When you wish you'd get hit by a car while checking the mail, or randomly fall off the roof and break your neck... that's how I'm feeling today. All I can think of is my mom (whose surgery is next week), my uncles Joey and Jesse(who dies a little over two years ago), and how I pretty much have no friends. Those things will put a damper into your day. Sorry I'm ranting, and it isn't about important things like the economy, Osama Bin Laden, or health care.. This is supposed to be about me mostly. One of these days I will most likely go on a rant about abortion and Obama all at once, because I'm 100% against them both. Alright, back to how I feel, have any of you gotten into this mood? If so, HELP ME! I hate feeling sad like I do. This isn't the sad that I am every single day, this is worse, by far, and I don't like it. I'm stressed to the max about so many things. The day after my moms' surgery, I have my registration for college classes, that's huge right? Well, I don't even want to do it anymore because I wanted to experience that with her, and she is going to be in a hospital bed... and the thought of that is just overbearing to me. I'm scared about the complications you always here about with surgery. I can't even stand the thought of something going wrong. You're parents are supposed to be invincible and never get hurt, at least that's what I thought growing up, but it doesn't happen like that and it scares the shit out of me. I know I have this goofy exterior and I'm always smiling and playing around(if you know me, you'd understand), but really, I'm like a kid who just broke their ice cream cone, or something to that effect. I'm slowly breaking down on the inside, and no one sees it... but it doesn't matter because I have no one to talk to about my problems so I keep them bottled up, and they just keep building and getting worse. Anyway, hope you had a good day, at least until you read this aweful post. I can tell you it's probably a lot easier to really be happy than to pretend. If you're feeling sad, talk to someone about how you're feeling, it could help.

I think I'm done for now.. I don't have anything else to really.

May 14, 2011

Alright so I just woke up... and yes it's 1:22 pm. I'm a sleepy head, I know. But anyway, I slept pretty good and I'm still in overdrive from my great day yesterday, but now it's a new day and I have to work my way from here. I AM going to attempt to keep up this blogging thing, and some days it could be amazing and others, well, not-so-much. We will just have to see how it goes.

So, let's see, what's on the agenda for today... Oh, that's right, nothing! Aha totally kidding, I am spending a little time with my dad and brother and we are all going to pick out his new laptop as a birthday gift (Which was May 4th, we're a little late).


Have to go for now, I'll come back tonight and add information so you'll know all the awesome (probably not) stuff that's happened.

Friday, May 13, 2011-- Graduation Day

And hello to you. I'm Sapphire, obviously. Just randomly starting a new one of these (lost my old info). So a few things about me; I'm 19, a college student, and I have a huge family: All of which you will hear about here shortly. Alright, so first off, the two most important things in my life right now; COLLEGE and MY MOM. First, college, for the obvious reason of furthering my education so that I can have a good career. And second, my mom. She is very influential in my life, as all moms should be, but she also is fighting Breast Cancer right now... that's a big hit, right? Trust me, I know! I have to deal with it everyday, and it's a lot harder than you would think. I try to be strong for her, but I really cry for her almost every single day. It's easier to hide than I thought it would be, and I try to let no one see the sensitivity behind my rough exterior. I know she will make it through but it's hard sometimes to keep all the scary thoughts from entering my mind..

But any who, on to happier thoughts. I graduated from my GED class today, along with my brother, and it was an amazing feeling. I was so happy to finally finish something important, and my family being there just made it better. I actually finished the class last July, in 2010, but today was me and every other graduate actually walking across the stage. It was pretty excited, and I was so nervous. Although I was a little upset because my mom wasn't able to make it because she had to go on a school beach trip with my six year-old sister. Other than that, I had plenty of supporters behind me. I love my family very much, and I'm glad there were there with me. Annnnd, I got a brand new Dell laptop as my graduation preset, pretty snazzy right? Yeah, I'm excited about it too. I will be frequently blogging, and playing computer games I'm sure, because I'm most definitely a nerd, and I loveeee games. I also love to read, and draw. There's a few small facts about me for you to know starting out.. you'll find out more soon enough, just bare with me and have patience.

Just to warn you, sometimes my blogs with be all jumbled, confusing, and make absolutely no sense. I think it's because I might just have Dyslexia or Attention Deficit Disorder or something to that nature, so it will happen very often and you'll just have to decipher through it all, aha.

Well, here's to my first blog. *Applause for me* Thanks for reading...whoever you are.